Barium Enema

Sup all,

Well my friend sent me the story about how he got a barium enema and since I've shown it to dozens of people. I haven't laughed so hard in quite some time. For those of you who don't know what an enema is, it's "the procedure of introducing liquids into the rectum and colon via the anus" (wikipedia), and a barium enema is simply doing this with barium to get an x-ray of your large intestine. Pretty brutal stuff, but read on and enjoy!


10 - The Few. The Proud. The Penetrated.
I am in the process of joining a minority amongst men. Tomorrow I will willingly be getting a shaft shoved up my ass and this shaft will squirt a translucent white liquid into my rectum.

I am, of course, referring to the process of getting a barium enema. The preparation starts today and I will be logging my experience on here so that everyone will know how much it sucks to get a metal shaft rammed up the anal sphincter.

Sunday

12:00 noon - I open the Royvac Bowel Evacuant Kit and am suprised to see that the bulk of the container is a 296ml bottle of liquid. I wonder whether I have to drink it all at once. I am now not allowed to eat anything. Only clear fluids for the next 24 hours.

12:03pm - I discover that I do have to down the whole bottle at once as well as do a bunch of other things that I don't want to do. I drink 8 oz of water as instructed.

12:11pm - I take my first dump before I've ingested any of the contents of the Royvac Bowel Evacuant Kit. I begin wondering if this whole kit just uses psychology to make people think they have to shit instead of actually doing anything. I really don't want to use that frig'n suppository.

12:25pm - I instinctively open the fridge to get a snack. Sadness washes over me as I realize that I still have 23 hours and 35 minutes before I can eat anything.

12:30pm - I down the 296ml bottle of Royvac Magnesium Citrate Oral Solution over ice. It tastes like water ...... with orange tang flavoured chalk put in it. 'A strong bowel cleansing action should be expected 3 to 6 hours after drinking this preparation' ...... wonderful.

12:36pm - I belch wondering if this will alter the effectiveness of the solution since I definately do not want to go through this shit again (pun intended).

1:00pm - I drink another 8 oz of water as instructed.

2:39pm - I see a commercial for the DQ Meltdown burger. I want to cry due to lack of being able to eat. I am now scared to fart without being on the toilet both because I might shit myself and because my farts now have the most disgusting smell they have ever had. Bathroom fan is a necessity.

2:50pm - I just took my second shit of the day. It was like shitting water and smelled like no shit I have ever taken. It smelled almost as if someone had added an orange tang flavoured chalk to my feces. I am convinced that the words 'strong bowel cleansing action' need to be replaced with 'violent liquid shitting'.

3:00pm - I have taken all 3 Royvac Bisacodyl tablets as instructed and wonder why they don't just make it into one bigger tablet. It still feels like I need to crap, even though I just went 10 minutes ago.

3:01pm - I run down the hall and take another shit, even though I just went 11 minutes ago. This time it is literally a liquid shit. If someone were to listen from outside they would think I was taking a piss. Whoever invented Royvac should be shot. I am no longer doubting whether the effects of Royvac are psychological or not.

4:05pm - Another liquid shit. It's becoming more clear and less brown each time.

4:11pm - Another shit. Colour trend continues.

4:33pm - Fucking Burger King commercials are driving me insane. I know there are Doritos upstairs too. My mouth keeps watering. So damn hungry.

5:34pm - So damn hungry. I am allowed to have consumme soup broth (because it is a clear liquid I guess) for dinner. This is the best damn soup that I have ever had.

5:45pm - A rumble in my tummy. I ran down the hall and almost didn't make it to the toilet before my ass exploded.

5:52pm - My dad says to me, "Hey, want to sit with us and watch us eat?" ................. jackass.

5:58pm - I discover that I'm allowed to eat jello. This is the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread. Since SLICED FUCKING BREAD!!!!!!

6:32pm - My shits are more explosive and are now accompanied with a burning sensation around my asshole when it explodes. I regret eating the hot and spicey dish from Wok-In last night.

6:43pm - HOLY FUCKING HELL IT BURNS!!! I swear to God I'm shitting stomach acid or something.

8:57pm - I really want some food. I'm shitting so frequently that there's no point in logging each one here. I've been trying to hold in my shits so that I may take fewer, bigger dumps and hence reduce ass burnage.

10:00pm - I've inserted the sopository into my ass. It went in suprisingly smooth compared to what I was expecting. I now must hold in whatever shit I need to take for 10-15 minutes "even if the urge is strong". For those that don't know, a sopository is something that you shove up your ass and it dissolves in your rectum in order to acheive some goal. In this case ...... making me blow out the last of the shit in my rectum.

10:05pm - I'm starting to feel a fizzing feeling in my rectum. It is not pleasant.

10:17pm - The soppository didn't make me want to shit as bad as I thought it would. Still, that was the grossest shit that I've taken so far. I'm not even going to give the details.

11:30pm - Go to bed after one more shit to make sure everything is out.

A few times throughout the night - Wake up and go take a shit.

Monday

9:00am - Wake up next to my sweetie.

9:40am - Get up and go to have a shower.

9:43am - Realize that lack of food has caused me to be weaker than normal and that I need food. Unfortunately after midnight I'm not allowed to have anything ...... even water.

9:59am - My body is going to collapse. I need food badly.

10:03am - Leave to go get my ass raided.

10:17am - It's really damn hard to concentrate. My body is weak from lack of nourishment. I start thinking that I should be using the handicap buttons on the doors.

10:20am - I try to pull open the push door to Imaging Services despite the sign on the door that says "push". Those handicap buttons are looking like a better idea.

10:47am - Lucy is the best girlfriend ever. and she is now hungry too.

10:48am - I cross out the lame shit that Lucywrote on my paper because nobody cares what she has to say.

10:49am - They call me for my ultrasound.

11:03am - Lucy is going for lunch because her boyfriend doesn't appreciate her!! Probably a big juicy burger from JJs.

11:09am - Again I have to cross out the lame shit she wrote. She is no longer allowed to hold the paper. I am done my ultrasound which was nothing too spectacular. Basically the same as how you see pregnant ladies getting them in movies, except add a little driving the damn thing into my ribs for discomfort.

11:11am - They call me for the dreaded enema. I go around back and get changed in the change room. They tell Lucy that she's not allowed to take pictures and that she has to wait in the waiting room. I am disapointed about this.

11:14am - I am sitting in the enema room. The nurse shows me the enema. It looks like a penis. I'm not even joking. It's skin colour and has a head at the tip. It's got 3 tubes going into the back of the shaft. The nurse shows me how the balloon at the end is going to inflate. I am suddenly convinced that there is no God and if there is he is out to get me. The doctor comes in and shoves the enema up my ass. I instantly feel like I'm going to shit my pants ...... if I had pants on of course. He takes his time rolling me over in different positions with the enema sticking out of my ass, periodically inflating and deflating it. He takes a bunch of pictures which takes about 10 minutes. Then the nurse has her turn to take pictures using a different device. The enema is still sticking out of my ass. I don't have to shit as much as I did when the doctor was doing it. Perhaps this is because she is refraining from inflating and deflating the balloon.

11:35am - The girl finishes with the x-rays and pulls the enema out of my ass. I have to shit. She makes me sit up and fucking wait to see if I'm dizzy or something. I quickly say no and walk briskly to the washroom where my ass explodes. White barium is shooting out of my cornhole in massive quantities. It is not quiet, nor is it a stream of liquid. It is literally spraying white shit with muffled fart noises to accompany it.

11:44am - I am done my long shit. It was a triple flusher. I used probably half a roll of toilet paper wiping.

11:55am - I tempt fate by farting without being over a toilet. Eating my sub is far more important than not soiling myself with white spraying farts.

12:00 noon - I can't hold it in any longer. I quickly grab the key to the mens washroom at Subway and bolt. I don't even bother putting the three pieces of toilet paper around the seat for ass protection. My ass explodes again. I shatter my record for longest continuous fart. It was about 15-25 seconds long. I was laughing too hard to bother counting the seconds for sure. The ladies washroom is right next to the mens. I laugh because the girl going in will be able to hear my anus spewing barium.

12:06pm - I have finished my sub and we leave Subway. Their toilet will never be the same.

6:41pm - I can't eat nearly as much as I used to. My stomach has shrank or something. I couldn't even finish a single plate of spaghetti. I've also come to realize that the term "taking a crap" has become a very loose term over the last few days. It has come to represent everything from a normal shit to pissing out of my ass to white liquid exploding out of my anus. Avoid barium enemas at all costs.

12:05am - I just took my first solid shit since yesterday. By 'solid' I mean 'like a rock' ...... literally. I am apparently constipated now and am shitting either white barium covered shits, or am shitting pure solidified barium. Either way, they sank pretty fast and I've never heard a 'plop' sound quite like that before now.

Tuesday 12:43pm - The worst of it seems to be over. The food I ate yesterday and today is returning strength to my body and my shitting frequency has dropped to a normal rate. I kind of feel like a 'Stage Completed' screen should be flashing in front of me ...... or like the storyline should be advancing in some way ...... the storyline of LIFE!!!

The next Tuesday 4:43pm - I just called and got my results back. The tests showed up nothing. Although an aside comment was that they couldn't see one of my kidneys. So I was probably only born with 1 kidney. This basically affects nothing other than I need to be wary of getting punched in the kidneys.

Petrol

If you have sauntered into a mamak stall lately, or perhaps waited for a bus at a bus stop, or been to practically any place where people are allowed to leisurely congregate, it would be nothing new to you that the price of petrol and diesel abruptly skyrocketed 41% and 68% respectively in a single day. With the potentially crippling implications of this increment, it is not shocking one bit that it has become the talk of the town. Those who were once ignorant and oblivious to their surroundings suddenly become increasingly aware of the events transpiring around them now. Shopping moms now check their wallets twice before deciding to buy them fattening tidbits for their kids. Anxious, fresh P license drivers don't get to take their parents' car out for a spin on the pretext of just driving around. Parents cut their teenage child's allowance by a quarter and discourage them from spending unnecessarily.

Explanation to the slow chumps: With the hike in price of diesel, prices of all goods are inevitably jacked up. Everytime goods are shipped; be it raw materials, work-in-progress, or finished goods, transport cost is added to the total cost, and if price of oil increases, so do the transport cost and of course, the total cost. And it is clear the profit margins of the suppliers,wholesalers, or any party which is involved with the movement of goods from the factory to the consumers will shrink, and it's only wishful thinking if we hope that these parties will absorb the full incidence of the increase. Long story short, it causes a ripple effect or a chain reaction or whatever you wanna call it.

Lets evaluate several points. First off, Malaysia is a net exporter of oil; meaning it exports more oil than it imports. If the supply of oil in this country is falling, the government can just export less oil to equilibrate the forces of domestic supply and demand at a lower price. One plausible reason for the price hike is that the ruling party members are just pocketing more of the government funds once used to subsidised domestic petrol and diesel.

Here's what I think, our dear sleepy PM was caught in a dilemma. Not long ago, rumors begin floating around that at least 30 MPs from the ruling party are gonna defect to the opposition party, which will lead to the ousting of the present government and the forming of a new one. Even before the General Elections, it was apparent that many MPs, especially from the east, were disgruntled over the rather salient fact that their states, Sabah and Sarawak in particular, are being neglected by the federal government. It is evident by the lack of development there despite the population there being majority bumiputras.

These two states have already been over 40 years removed from their assimilation into Malaysia and yet progress and advancements are near minimal.For an instance, Sabah is an oil producing state. As oil has a near zero elasticity, it should be common sense that Sabah should be generating lots of revenue and yet, after all these years, it's still in such a pitiful state with its citizens earning extremely meagre incomes. Regardless of how heartless the states' MPs may be, it would probably disconcert them to know that the states they lead are being left behind by the peninsular states and probably after long deliberation, these MPs see a more auspicious future with the opposition.

Our dear PM obviously knows that and the logical solution is to promise more development of these 'inferior' states and more 'under-the-table' money for the MPs to at least offset the defection of these MPs until he finds a more permanent solution. So as I was saying, the PM reduces the subsidies and willingly comes under fire from the public to ensure he will remain in power for the time being. And it's no mystery that many other MPs are already benefiting from swindling of government funds and to take care of these MPs interests along with the Sabah and Sarawak MPs, the government will need a bigger budget for these guys so cutting back on the petrol and diesel subsidies is the only action that has quite a substantial reason which is of course, rising global oil prices.

In spite of the furore already arising from the people, the petrol and diesel prices are steal set to increase another Ringgit or so, which will most certainly kill of the lower class income earners. People will become more desperate for money, food, anything and this will inevitably cause a spike in crime rates, which is one social issue that the government promised to mitigate not long ago. The police force is hopeless so this will mean the innocent citizens are the ones who are gonna suffer the brunt of this increase.

And it's clear that the effects of the hike in oil prices will plunge the whole country into dire straits and by the looks of it, things are just gonna get worse. All we can hope for now is that either the opposition coalition, Pakatan Rakyat overthrows the present oh-so-caring government soon or alternate fuel sources and methods to utilised them cheaply are discovered which is in my estimate, is not any time soon. So my advise before a log off, is too spend as much as you want now, drive to the places you want to, even if it's just behind your house, buy as many glasses of expresso as you want at the nearest Starbucks outlets while you still can because by the looks of things, prices are set to escalate even more, maybe to the point we can't afford it anymore.

Peace.

Motivational Posters

Did you have a bad, trying day? Did your car die on you while driving to work? Did your girlfriend dump you and went away... with another girl? If any of the aforementioned did happen to you, fret not! I just happen to have the remedy to your frustrations and it's proven transcendingly effective notwithstanding your name, age, gender, height, weight, and so on.

Sun Zoo - Victims

Something for those who are bored as shit, looking for some time to kill, or those who are into introspective vibes and those sorta thing. Even if you aren't, check it out anyway. Might give a couple of you a fresh new outlook on troubling issues in life.

Lyrics:
CHORUS (sampled from Black Box Recorder)
Well, you can...
Bite the bullet
Breathe in, breathe out
Or be a victim all your life

She holds the black plastic remote in her hand
She's watching MTV, she didn't go to the dance
It's Friday night, going as planned
Her dad wanted her to go, but he's old and he don't understand
That she's ugly, she can't join the popular clique
Can't afford the right clothes, and plus the top wouldn't fit
So she stays home, watches her shows cause she knows
She could never be them onscreen modelling clothes
She wants to be an artist
But she's having trouble getting started
It's hard to paint a pretty picture if you're brokenhearted
She only wants to be ignored, not be a target
But she's just an ego-builder for them high-school starlets
She's beautiful and she don't even know it
And if she ever finds out she'll be afraid to show it
Cause everything she sees says she doesn't belong
She's been taught that from birth, but yo, what if it's wrong?

CHORUS

She holds a tiny purse with a tinier dog
It's only Wednesday, but its her tenth time at the mall
She's gotta keep up, not with the Joneses, but with the Hiltons
The Britney Spearses and the Jessica Simpsons
And all them other female role models
She's got the clothes, lord knows, got the figure of a showstopper
She stays so proper, shine like Goldschlager,
At the right party every night with the right product
Never sleeps alone but she's never with a man
Who would ever let her slow down, and she don't understand
Why the clothes and the cars, the looks and the guys
Never adds up to happy in the back of her eyes
It's no surprise that she's secretly confused
Cause she's always done everything we're telling her to do
She did it with the best and she put up with the stress
But if you've got everything what more is there to get?

HOOK

I hold nothing but a mic in my hand
All I'm trying to do is observe so I understand
How our system could fail both those girls
Although no words could ever fully capture those concerned
I hope to learn, but still gotta speak what I see
And it's obvious, even to me, what we're seeming to be
Is just slaves to the preachers that be, mother culture everywhere
From the streets to TV
Got us so focused on the external
That we can't even take ourselves out the cycle, it's eternal
But it only exists as long as you believe it
And it's goal don't make sense cause no one can acheive it
So let's break free
Both of those girls are better than what our culture defines them to be
But culture is just us
So if you think you're worth more than your looks and your possessions,
Step up