My brain and its wanderings.

2012-01-28T21:47:00.001-08:00

Please save me. Please save me. I cannot take this any longer.

2011-02-07T04:16:00.000-08:00

Peering outside my window, I mouth goodbyes to winter and its snow flakes. They never fail to cheer me up. Now they are gone only to return in another nine months as they usually do. Light showers become mainstays in the daily weather report along with the mists as they make their seasonal haunts atop this mountain. Gloomy indeed.

It is February now and another year has gone by. Valentines day is just around the bend yet it no longer holds any significance to me. The then annual pangs of loneliness have transformed into daily ones much to my dismay. The transition occurred long ago but the bleak outlook remains. And so long as the pangs are recurrent, I continue to steel myself and bottle them up, sequestered from the harsh scrutiny of the world for the prying eyes that inhabit it laugh at weakness and their glares kill. And the tragic part is, the eyes which can save me will be a from one in the ridiculing crowd, unwilling to rescue should the gravity of it be known. So I shall trudge on, paying no mind to this metastasizing growth. Forcing it into the darkest recesses of my mind. Never letting light shine upon it for it would but prolong the agony.

Perseverance

2011-01-31T03:52:00.000-08:00

I can't vouch for persistence as an effective means to an end. All I can say is that if you want something that much, persevere till that fire of yours gives out for you owe your dreams that much.

2010-12-24T02:03:00.000-08:00

No wishes or resolutions. Just weariness. Gifts and goals only serve as distractions, as places to hide from the ghosts that haunt. Hiding places that have become weathered and torn from overuse are now unable to shelter from the raging storms. With nowhere else to run, I face these wretched wraiths once and for all.

The Criticism of Religion

2010-12-01T05:22:00.001-08:00

As terse as Karl Marx's critique of religion is, it successfully encompasses the true problem with religious beliefs in my opinion.

The foundation of irreligious criticism is: Man makes religion, religion does not make man. Religion is, indeed, the self-consciousness and self-esteem of man who has either not yet won through to himself, or has already lost himself again. But man is no abstract being squatting outside the world. Man is the world of man – state, society. This state and this society produce religion, which is an inverted consciousness of the world, because they are an inverted world. Religion is the general theory of this world, its encyclopaedic compendium, its logic in popular form, its spiritual point d’honneur, its enthusiasm, its moral sanction, its solemn complement, and its universal basis of consolation and justification. It is the fantastic realization of the human essence since the human essence has not acquired any true reality. The struggle against religion is, therefore, indirectly the struggle against that world whose spiritual aroma is religion.

Religious suffering is, at one and the same time, the expression of real suffering and a protest against real suffering. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.

The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness. To call on them to give up their illusions about their condition is to call on them to give up a condition that requires illusions. The criticism of religion is, therefore, in embryo, the criticism of that vale of tears of which religion is the halo.

Criticism has plucked the imaginary flowers on the chain not in order that man shall continue to bear that chain without fantasy or consolation, but so that he shall throw off the chain and pluck the living flower. The criticism of religion disillusions man, so that he will think, act, and fashion his reality like a man who has discarded his illusions and regained his senses, so that he will move around himself as his own true Sun. Religion is only the illusory Sun which revolves around man as long as he does not revolve around himself.

Hmmm...

2010-11-28T05:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

-Neil Gaiman

You

2010-10-24T13:09:00.001-07:00

I am stumped. As I always have been. That look on your face unblemished. Beautiful does not even begin to describe you. That sparkle in your eyes blinds me sometimes. Ironic I know. And I just want to kiss them so bad. Imbue you with hope in your bleakest moments, inspire you in your personal battles. Maybe tell you the cheesiest pick up lines but mean every word of it. Or sweep you off your feet as though it is the only thing I am good at. I want to tease you about your idiosyncrasies till you turn away in annoyance, just so I can wrap my arms around you from behind only to begrudgingly let go after you playfully elbow me in my side a couple of times. I want to be the one that wipes your tears away when you cry, kisses your lips when you smile, holds you when you feel alone and in heartrending sadness, your overwhelming joy.

I want you. I want you so much. I know I do not have the right to say these words. I do not know you. Not even the slightest. And I will never know you. Not even the slightest. And whenever I think I am over you I see you, only to fall for you all over again. And I'm crazy about you all over again. To me, you are riveting as you always have been. And I am riveted as I always have been. It is funny how the way you feel about me could not be any more different. You think I am revolting. You think I am a creep. You want nothing to do with me. You see me and you scowl at me. You fire off a spiteful glare. You turn around and walk as fast as you can. You would even run if you had to. After how I went about everything, I do not blame you. And I want to forget you. I want to move on with my life. I want to let go. I want to get out of this rut. I want to be strong. I want to pretend that I no longer care. I want to believe I can find happiness elsewhere. I want all of that so much.

But clearly, not as much as I want you.

You

2010-10-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

Here I am again.

2010-10-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. It's fall now and the last remnants of summer are visibly waning. Vestiges of autumn slowly manifesting on the verdant mountaintop scenery as a precursor to the encroaching cold. Daylight is becoming more scarce giving way to the blanketing night sky. The temperature clearly on the decline with the overcast skies as a reminder. To my consternation I have been relatively upbeat in spite of the gloomy weather. My pensive outlook on life remaining constant, maybe it is just me adapting to this perpetual state of longing. I still tremble when the nights get lonely and despondent. They still haunt me. The fumble-ups that is. Even in broad daylight I wince ever so slightly when they intrude my thoughts. Persistent poltergeists they.

Analogy

2010-10-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

I am sick of having my christianity clumped in the same group as the other organized religions out there. For the last time, it is not a religion. It's a relationship with Jesus Christ my saviour and lord. And I believe every word he says.

I am sick of having my mafia affiliation clumped in the same group as the other organized crime syndicates out there. For the last time, it is not a crime syndicate. It's a relationship with Don Corleone. And I believe every word he says.

Emotions

2010-09-15T01:27:00.001-07:00

There are days I wish I could put my emotions into a box and bury it six feet deep, only to realize emotions are what drive us. The fuel for this vehicle. My brain as its engine.

Not again.

2010-09-10T00:28:00.000-07:00

I can't. As much as I want to I can't. I stand to lose too much. How can I look at you and not fall for you again? The way your green eyes captivate, from afar or up close. It doesn't really matter. I get enraptured by their gleam regardless. The way your brown hair falls elegantly with its impeccable curls. The way the shapely contours of your face brim with such perfection. The way your radiant smile takes my breath away. The way your skin glows. The way your voice resonates in me when I hear you speak. And my heart skips a beat every time. Maybe two. Or three. I don't know. You are truly resplendent and I am mesmerized. So, how can I look at you and not fall for you again? You are, after all, beauty personified.

Intolerance

2010-08-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm quickly developing an intolerance for stupidity amongst my peers. I used to find it mindlessly amusing and rightfully so but as of late, my delighting in such inanity has began to degenerate into a peevish petulance. I'm afraid I will one day snap and lose my friends as a result.

It is an insult.

2010-08-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

To say that I should not feel bitter is an insult. It is an insult to the heart I put in. It plain out debases the hopes and beliefs I held dearly, as if they flowed from a limitless well and can be easily replaced without any expense. And the only thing worse is everytime I look at you, I am not reminded of how you left my heart in shambles. Instead, I am reminded of the excruciating fact that I'm still stuck in this cycle of rejection, of feeling inadequate, of being unwanted, of helplessness while you are off prancing into the sunset. To say that I should not feel bitter is an insult. It is akin to saying I deserve to have my heart rent to pieces over and over and over again with no remission and be okay with it. And to that I say fuck no. Fuck no.

Gggrrr

2010-07-31T06:04:00.000-07:00

First of all, I feel deeply indebted to my beloved SFU for my annoyingly late enrollment date causing me to miss out on two prerequisite courses I was intending to take. *sarcasm* However, I will perceive it as a silver-lining as I can now make up for the lost units by enrolling in an extra Philosophy course, Metaphysics in addition to my initially intended History of Philosophy II. I am so gonna get mindfucked next semester.

On a more introspective note, I don't wanna go back anymore. Not for now at least. My imminent return to Canada, which I have been so eagerly awaiting now invokes a rather antagonistic emotion in relative to what I previously felt about recommencing my canadian sojourn. I highly doubt it is due to the attachment I have recently reestablished with my homeland. Maybe it is the dreadful yet exhilarating feeling that accompanies the experience of being out there alone, to fend for myself. To make my own destiny. Mould it with whatever hands I'm endowed with, Midas-ian or not. Success and failure hinging solely upon me, barring the capricious entity that is life. I don't know for sure.

A revelation

2010-06-25T05:35:00.002-07:00

I have just had a revelation. I find women with elocutionary prowess incredibly attractive. Talk about nitpicking when it comes to soulmate selection. Of course physical attractiveness and personality does play a part but I discovered, to my dismay, that unless she displays a proclivity for eloquent speech, the chances any interest in her is piqued are slim at best. I guess I should be chickscoping in libraries more.

Ideas

2010-05-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

I find events mildly interesting. People slightly more. What truly piques my interest is ideas. I will concede that ideas are man-made. But ideas are what inspire man to great things. Unlike events and people, they do not require verity to exist. They could be nothing but a whole construct of prevarications yet have the same causal magnitude.

Gosh I'm getting more messed up by the day. Save me someone.

A lighter note

2010-05-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have been home for a tad over a week now. It is funny how during the entirety of my first year in Canada I never experienced homesickness even one bit yet in the brevity I have spent back home I am already being hit with pangs of Vancouver-sickness. Do I really love it there so much or am I just in love with the idea of me being on my own reinvented self? Well, I have managed to slake the sickness by setting up playdates with my friends and some.

It was certainly delightful to see them again yet at times I feel dwarfed by the distances they have covered while I was on my sojourn abroad. That was one of my biggest fears of returning home. That in spite of the locomotive effort I have put into being the best that I can be, my accomplishments pale in comparison. I am less happy. Sometimes I feel I could not be any farther from it. Or any closer. Stagnation. But I will squash such pessimistic contemplations and leave them for my personal introspection sessions later.

My tummy has bloated up at a rate unheard of. I cannot even see my penis while I am standing up anymore. True story. All this food-binging/gluttony if prolonged is not going to bode well for me fitness-wise. And truth be known, my hankering for local cuisine was never that strong when I got back. I figured that by reintroducing it to my palette I would fall back in love with it. I was wrong. Now I am left with a huge bulging belly and a yet insatiated gastronomic craving. It is thus high time to hit the weights again.

Admission

2010-05-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

Here is an admission: My literary articulation peaks only when I am intoxicated. Preferably alcoholic but any substance that induces a high is enough to get the job done. In that sense, I have a reliance on vices. Ever since I got back I have not had a single energy drink and my alcohol ingestion has been too negligible to actually count for anything. I am trying to fixate on the silver lining for the time being. That desired scribal eloquence comes together with a pensive, sombre self and are both indented on the flip side of the sobriety coin. So in a way this involuntary abstinence has benefited me by aiding in the the suppression of the pathetic side of me. But with it goes the eloquence that I occasionally pride myself on. Also goes a prehensile state of mind and with it my philosophic genius is dragged along. A question then arises. Is my self-deprecation imperative for the tapping into my intellectually inclined talents?

Inspiration lacks when I am apathetic. My emotions are a double-edged sword. Those I label as inimical, also serve as the spark plug to most of my gripping endeavours. People say I need to get them sorted out, managed. I have recently learnt though that such emotions can never be totally neutralized. Just bottled up. Or funneled to other causes of a similar nature. Like incoherent gibberish for example. It is still not a perfect replacement of chances missed out on. And the only thing I can do is solemnly hope it will someday be.

P.S. I squeezed this out of me sober. I am discounting the couple of smokes I had hours earlier. It was a struggle indeed. Words and thoughts do indeed flow out smoother when I am high.

Self-sabotage

2010-05-18T01:36:00.000-07:00

On a subconscious level, some of us self-sabotage. I think this is because if there is one thing more terrifying than failing is giving all one has, doing everything right, and still end up failing. And this fear is echoed by the more fortunate, those who did everything right and did not fail. Those who look upon the less fortunate with scrutinizing eyes assuming that the latter did not give their all. That the latter did not persist. And it saddens me to admit that such is the harsh reality of life.

Random

2010-05-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have a bad habit. I usually start off with the intention of an update long overdue only to give up after ten words. I blame it on the fleeting train of thoughts which invade my mind every now and then. However, I will attempt to actually construct an entire blog post this time to occupy my boredom.

I will not talk much about my stay in Vancouver except that I am returning home real soon. My heart sinks as the thought of that. I love it here too much. Not only the sheer awesomeness of the city but the whole notion of being on my own. And somehow amidst all the chaos I feel that I can finally find happiness here. Enough with that.

Philosophy has been taking up most of my time since I moved out of residence for the summer. It has always been a love of mine. Why haven't I pursued it any sooner I don't know. I always believed by engaging in such an introspective exercise I would grow increasingly detached from the world. Mistaken I was indeed.

Disjointed Thoughts

2010-04-25T03:02:00.001-07:00

I can't help but be intrigued by the study of philosophy. I'd like to know why reality keeps slapping me in the face. The account that the huge palm imprint on the side of my face is but the physical manifestation of a supreme being's displeasure with my sinful nature is invalid. It is an effrontery to that very being whose chief qualities include benevolence and truth. Religion I believe is the irrefutable answer best suited for the idle minded. The ones incapable of undertaking such an arduous task. Or afraid. The truth may not be what we hope it to be. Nevertheless, I believe there will be a sense of accomplishment in uncovering it no matter how vile and despicable it may turn out to be. A jouissance-driven theory. Pardon my disjointed thoughts.

Your Laughter

2010-03-15T03:13:00.000-07:00

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for I would die.

-Pablo Neruda

The Man in the Arena

2010-03-05T02:29:00.001-08:00

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

-Theodore Roosevelt

Love at first sight...

2010-03-03T02:21:00.000-08:00

Love at first sight. Controvertible indeed is its existence. I, for one, am a firm believer in it. Why? Because as of right now, I am but a helpless victim of it. The word 'Love' may often impress an overstated importance, especially suspect in my case. But I believe words such as, 'infatuation', 'lust', or 'attraction' are too feeble in meaning to describe how I feel. Whatever it is I'm feeling, I am feeling it so immensely my cognitive faculty is handicapped. Logical becomes illogical. The boundaries between sky and ground blur. I cannot think straight.

I thought, following each rejection and fumble-up, that I would finally get over this mushy nonsensical feeling I am experiencing. Oh god how wrong was I. Even as I am writing this now, nothing has changed. I am still crazy about you, as I was the night I met you. I am not gonna deny, the first time I met you I was checking you out(lol) but as I began talking to you, I just realised how amazing you are. Perhaps you do not remember a single word you said to me--probably because I was not an engaging a conversationalist as I ought to have been-- but I remember almost all of it. How any of that made me think you are beautiful, I do not know. I want to know. I truly do. But alas, it just wasn't meant to be. I fumbled up one too many times. Forget fucking up my first impression. I fucked up the first ten impressions.

Fate.

2010-01-16T00:54:00.000-08:00

Are obstacles put in place to deter us from realising a fate that wasn't meant to be, or are they there for us to overcome it?

2009-12-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

The evening glow pervades the sky as you're in your room up to your usual stuff thinking today would be as uneventful as the day before. You hear someone rapping on your door so you make your way to the door and peer into the peephole. All you see is a shoulder dangling in the peripheral prompting you to come out to see who it is. He's leaning against the outer wall of your room and with eyebrows furrowed, he says, "grab a coat and come join me for a walk." He conveys it in a manner you can't say no to so you slip into your favourite jacket and join him. You engage in small talk as he leads you from your room to a perch five minutes away which overlooks downtown from atop the mountain. The sun is in its descending motion. The conversation gradually gets more intimate, his eyes never leaving yours once and then suddenly theres a lull in the conversation but the silence is not awkward at all. Instead, a warm wave washes over you. He turns away for a moment glancing at the magnificient view and as he transfixes his gaze on you again, flakes of snow start to float down gently peppering the red/orangy evening sky.

Tell me I'm awesome.

Qualms

2009-10-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

There is a few things that tick me the fuck off and I need to get them off my chest:

1. How people keep saying I look good now. I mean, what the fuck? How the fuck does coming to Canada change the way I look? It's not like the authorities make it mandatory for immigrants to undergo makeovers in special booths stationed outside customs. And how they expect me to grow out my hair when I get here. I'm pretty sure it is common knowledge how my hair is coarse and dry and given my chronic scalp condition, growing out my hair would be a real pain in the butt when it comes to maintenance. Fucking morons.

2. How people say I look so much like my mom. Oh thanks for telling me I look like a woman. No wonder people burst out in laughter when I say I'm a guy. Fucking morons.

3. How people say I'm pessimistic. I'm sorry that my idea of what's probable and realistic doesn't match that of yours. Heck, in spite of how absurd and eccentric my ideas and arguments may seem to be, they are usually more analytically and logically sound than yours will ever be. And in that I'm positive. Fucking morons.

Bye.

booo....

2009-10-01T00:11:00.001-07:00

Original plan was for me to talk about my first ten days here divided into a post each. However, the combination of a hectic schedule(yeah rite) and my sloth-like habits has squashed that ambition. At least I tried to upload whatever pictures I took on my blog but sadly due to certain complications, that plan has been delayed until I feel like trying again. Haha.

Anyway, my time here has been rather awesome. Downtown Vancouver kicks ass and there are so many tourist attractions here it's mind boggling. Unfortunately, I have yet to make the time(and initiative) to visit everyone of them but since I'm spending 3-4 years here I am in no rush. The thing about this place is everything here is so organised and everyone is so polite and friendly. Back home, you strike up a conversation with random people and they get suspicious and shit. Here, it's like the norm to talk up whoever you are standing in the lift with. I'm still accustoming myself to it. Well, I have to if I wanna make friends don't I?

Hmmm.. my social life here, has been decent so far seeing as I willingly turned into a recluse a couple of years ago. I meet alot of people and I introduce myself to a fair few but I'm so bad with names and faces and I'm not that memorable either so it's abit of a challenge. Been hanging out with a couple of dudes from Africa though. They're pretty cool. The social scene in my dorm is pathetic though. Everyone is so fucking shy(Asians especially) its hard to get a decent conversation going. The locals are generally friendly though but it's hard to talk to them due to lack of common interests and stuff. All they talk about is hockey and I have no fucking idea how it's played. Maybe I should take the initiative to learn how its played. Hmm, parties on campus are non-existant so every friday night it's like borefest but there are drunk people roaming around aimlessly and they are funny to watch. LOL. There is a pub on campus though which checks for ID as to prove one is of age and fuckin' Malaysian Mykad and Lisen Memandu do not show our age so I'm pretty pissed off.

Girls here, hmmm overall there is a considerable amount of eye candy here. Sadly, my floor is almost devoid of hot chicks and has a gross surfeit of guys. I could say the gender makeup on my floor is 65% males 35% females. So I have to stalk girls from other buildings. Hahah. They don't know it yet. They will. When they find me on the adjacent rooftop with a telescope in hand.

Studies here has been pretty laid back(maybe its just me). Professors and teaching assistants are pretty funny but certainly not as good as the ones I had back in A levels. I miss them. Assignments are a bitch and I'm lazy but I do try and hand them in on time. Failed my first calculus test. Didn't know it was going down so I wasn't prepared. Haha. I need to focus man otherwise I won't be able to do an honors. Or something. OK bye.

Touchdown

2009-08-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be a real short update as my uncle's gonna bring me around in a minute. So I landed in Vancouver around 10.30 am on Saturday Malaysian time after what seemed like a lifetime on the plane. It's gonna take a couple of days at least to regain senses in my hip area. The doctor said physical therapy might be a possibility as well. Anyway, will update later tonight.

EDIT:
It's 4.30 and I'm calling it night so here I go. For the time being, I'll be coming online using one of my uncle's PC's in his study. It's not that my notebook is broken or anything, I'm just too lazy to set it up. haha.

So, after what seemed like eternity on the airplane, I arrived in Vancouver around 7.30pm. First thing that came to mind was the state of my now infirmed buttocks thanks to 11 hours of sitting, sitting and sitting. Pulling myself out of my sedentary position took a valiant effort. I think I should be awarded a medal or something.

Anyway, after the perfunctory 'thank you for flying with China Airline' announcement, I made my way down the crowded aisle and out the hatch, mentally bracing myself for the oncoming culture shock that I assumed was gonna hit me the first thing I step out of the plane. Surprisingly, it didn't come. Correction. It hasn't come. Yes, I'm still rather listless about this affair as a whole. Can't say the same about my dad though. He looks like he just overdosed on laughing gas. haha

Afterwards, my dad and I had to part ways for awhile while at the airport seeing as I'm in Canada as a student as opposed to my dad who's here for recreational purposes. International students arriving in Canada have to first check-in with the imigration office. After having my student visa certified, I exited the immigration area to the luggage collection area where my dad was. Following the collection of my four luggage bags, I proceeded to next aisle-like area where friends and family welcome the new arrivers. Met up with my uncle and his family at the end of the aisle and exchanged those warm obligatory words rife in family reunions.

We didn't tarry around too long as we were all fiending for some food so we made our way to my uncle's Honda Acura. Hoisting my luggage into the boot was a real test of strength especially in the famished state I was in. After some discussion, we decided to have A&W for dinner since my aunt had coupons. I'm not really a fan of fast food joint burgers but the Mozza burger I had there was oh-so-delicious. We headed straight for home after that. After heaving the luggage up to where I was sleeping, my dad and I took turns washing up and finally, hit the sack. Goodnight.

That was end of day one. Or day quarter. I dunno. I'm tired so pardon my sloppy writing. Will upload the pics as soon as I get my notebook set up.

Restlessness...

2009-08-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's the two glasses of teh ais I had just now, but I'm actually beginning to freak out. Regardless, it's too late to turn back now. Much against my wishes, my prolonged hiatus has failed to prepare me for this precise moment. I feel like I'm being engulfed by a tempest of emotions. Time and time again, I tell myself I will not cry. And I doubt I will.

tick tock tick tock...

2009-08-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

The clock is ticking. My final twenty-four hours is approaching, and how do I feel? I'm pretty sure there's a whirlpool of emotions swirling within me but perhaps it's too tiny and vapid at the moment for me to truly affect it. I've heard the day before your departure is when the rush will set in and honestly aside from the mild occasional jitters, I'm quite listless actually. But then again, it's not my final day yet as I'm nocturnal and stuff. Nevermind.

Anyway, in spite of only having less than a couple days left and Mr.paranoid for a dad, progress with packing has been rather slow. I still have a few essentials to shop for which I hope I will go get later. Friends have been pestering me to organise a farewell party although I have made known my serious disinterest, or rather laziness. Nevertheless, I'd strive to at least organise one more mamak session with the close ones. Either way, I can officially say bye to my life of bumming which is probably the saddest part of leaving. haha. Eight months, eight months. No work. Just bumming. I should fuckin' get a medal for it. haha.

Anyway, back to writing down my list of things to get tomorrow. Until next time, Au revoir.

My return

2009-08-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

After a long dry spell, I have decided to revive this ohsodead blog of mine. It's not because I was struck by a sudden urge to broadcast my life to the world again. Instead my recommencing this blog is more of a matter of personal convenience.

As some may know, I'm scheduled to jet off to Vancouver, Canada approximately a fortnight from now to further my studies. As a regular guy who has friends(i think lol), I'd be expecting quite a number of queries about my experience abroad and reciting a rehearsed telling over and over again does take its dreary toll on someone. Therefore, reviving my blog would be most beneficial as it makes it easier for everyone to keep abreast with the developments of my life over there without me having to labour repeatedly over the details.

And also, since I've decided to rejuvenate this blog, I might as well be updating it with other ponderings which may or may not be pertinent to my sojourn in Vancouver so keep watch.

Until next time, Au revoir.

Sweet?

2008-10-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

Peep this video. What are your thoughts about it? Well, personally I applaud the guy who put this heartfelt video together in an attempt to convey his love to his special someone and I really hope it worked out for him. But in this modern day and age where stalkers and desperados freely roam the streets hellbent to have their sentiments reciprocated, are such actions considered sweet and touching or borderline mawkish and desperate?

PS: the cute drawings are called Pon and Zi, brainchild of Jeff Thomas. Google it up.

Miaow!!

2008-09-14T02:49:00.000-07:00

Love and Relationships

2008-08-29T07:33:00.000-07:00

Just give it a look. Who knew the truth could be so funny. But they also say that the truth hurts. So if Truth = Funny and Truth = Hurt , does it mean that Hurt = Funny ? If these assumptions were true, then we are all sadomasochistic by nature. But I digress... Haha.. Anyway, watch the vid.

Untitled

2008-08-07T23:54:00.000-07:00

I was just vibing to the 'Nas is Like' instrumental the other day and I was really feeling it so I ended up penning a short 16 to it. Still looking for a title though. Any ideas? Anyway, enjoy.

Life and death, I'm well-versed in both the sciences
Calmly rode the lions on to the road to zion
Oppose Poseiden, thrown into throes of violence
In search of the meaning of life, and I hope to find it
The fate foretold by mayans, is it false or reality
My destiny, written on cave walls in arabic
A heretic, I've spent half my life questioning god
but its in desolate times that the lesson is taught
I derive my passion from the tumult of restless storms
My spirit will not burn out until ashes form
From pens to mics, objectives sanctified
As I aim to conquer the margin between land and sky
its too soon to tell, how my doom is dealt
inhale the aether of the heavens or choke on the fumes of hell
I refuse to dwell on the earthly pursuits of wealth
what use is gaining the whole world if I lose myself

Connie Talbot

2008-07-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I last updated and frankly, I don't really feel like dropping a post now. Can't really get into the 'blogger's state of mind'. However, while I was browsing through Youtube the other day, I came across something that merits an entire post dedicated to it.

What I'm talking about is singing whiz kid, Connie Talbot, finalist of Britain's Got Talent. She first came into the spotlight when she auditioned for the talent show. Originally planned as a family outing, the day turned out to be one that would change this girl's life forever. Ambling onto the auditioning platform with a radiating innocence was beguiling for everyone in the audience. Who knew behind that pristine demeanor was something so breath-taking.

Undaunted by the riveting eyes of the onlookers, this young girl of six, slowly parted her lips whilst exposing her gap tooth, unleashed a voice so sonorous it enraptured everyone in the vicinity. Audience and judges were left equally flabbergasted by her rendition of 'Over The Rainbow' that she finished it off to a standing ovation from the audience in the background and a teary-eyed judge. To top it off, often-harsh connoiseur Simon Cowell lauded her claiming she was 'pitch-perfect'.

Eventually, she would sail to the finals of the competition, only losing out to opera singer Paul Potts. Regardless, she has cemented her place in the hearts of millions along the way and will definitely rise to be a potent force in the industry when she comes of age.

Nevertheless, attainment of fame at such an early age will have many effects on her upbringing; some good, most bad. At such a tender age, being under the magnifying lense of the public is nothing but detrimental because it is at that age that one grows alot, physically, mentally and emotionally, and space is required. If her parents fail to understand and act on that, what may seem to be a promising future might do a 360 and she will end up broken, crumbling under the pressures of the fame, case in point; Lindsay Lohan. So it is imperative that her parents set their priorities straight and remember she's a little girl first, a singer second.

Well, it's been over a year now since her ascend to prominance and she already has one album under her name. Although it didn't fare particularly well, it did little to blemish her singing career and she's set to collaborate with successful US artistes in an attempt to further her reach across the US.

Quote of the day: 'I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend, to the death, your right to say it' - Voltaire

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Peace.

Barium Enema

2008-06-28T00:51:00.001-07:00

Sup all,

Well my friend sent me the story about how he got a barium enema and since I've shown it to dozens of people. I haven't laughed so hard in quite some time. For those of you who don't know what an enema is, it's "the procedure of introducing liquids into the rectum and colon via the anus" (wikipedia), and a barium enema is simply doing this with barium to get an x-ray of your large intestine. Pretty brutal stuff, but read on and enjoy!

10 - The Few. The Proud. The Penetrated.
I am in the process of joining a minority amongst men. Tomorrow I will willingly be getting a shaft shoved up my ass and this shaft will squirt a translucent white liquid into my rectum.

I am, of course, referring to the process of getting a barium enema. The preparation starts today and I will be logging my experience on here so that everyone will know how much it sucks to get a metal shaft rammed up the anal sphincter.

Sunday

12:00 noon - I open the Royvac Bowel Evacuant Kit and am suprised to see that the bulk of the container is a 296ml bottle of liquid. I wonder whether I have to drink it all at once. I am now not allowed to eat anything. Only clear fluids for the next 24 hours.

12:03pm - I discover that I do have to down the whole bottle at once as well as do a bunch of other things that I don't want to do. I drink 8 oz of water as instructed.

12:11pm - I take my first dump before I've ingested any of the contents of the Royvac Bowel Evacuant Kit. I begin wondering if this whole kit just uses psychology to make people think they have to shit instead of actually doing anything. I really don't want to use that frig'n suppository.

12:25pm - I instinctively open the fridge to get a snack. Sadness washes over me as I realize that I still have 23 hours and 35 minutes before I can eat anything.

12:30pm - I down the 296ml bottle of Royvac Magnesium Citrate Oral Solution over ice. It tastes like water ...... with orange tang flavoured chalk put in it. 'A strong bowel cleansing action should be expected 3 to 6 hours after drinking this preparation' ...... wonderful.

12:36pm - I belch wondering if this will alter the effectiveness of the solution since I definately do not want to go through this shit again (pun intended).

1:00pm - I drink another 8 oz of water as instructed.

2:39pm - I see a commercial for the DQ Meltdown burger. I want to cry due to lack of being able to eat. I am now scared to fart without being on the toilet both because I might shit myself and because my farts now have the most disgusting smell they have ever had. Bathroom fan is a necessity.

2:50pm - I just took my second shit of the day. It was like shitting water and smelled like no shit I have ever taken. It smelled almost as if someone had added an orange tang flavoured chalk to my feces. I am convinced that the words 'strong bowel cleansing action' need to be replaced with 'violent liquid shitting'.

3:00pm - I have taken all 3 Royvac Bisacodyl tablets as instructed and wonder why they don't just make it into one bigger tablet. It still feels like I need to crap, even though I just went 10 minutes ago.

3:01pm - I run down the hall and take another shit, even though I just went 11 minutes ago. This time it is literally a liquid shit. If someone were to listen from outside they would think I was taking a piss. Whoever invented Royvac should be shot. I am no longer doubting whether the effects of Royvac are psychological or not.

4:05pm - Another liquid shit. It's becoming more clear and less brown each time.

4:11pm - Another shit. Colour trend continues.

4:33pm - Fucking Burger King commercials are driving me insane. I know there are Doritos upstairs too. My mouth keeps watering. So damn hungry.

5:34pm - So damn hungry. I am allowed to have consumme soup broth (because it is a clear liquid I guess) for dinner. This is the best damn soup that I have ever had.

5:45pm - A rumble in my tummy. I ran down the hall and almost didn't make it to the toilet before my ass exploded.

5:52pm - My dad says to me, "Hey, want to sit with us and watch us eat?" ................. jackass.

5:58pm - I discover that I'm allowed to eat jello. This is the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread. Since SLICED FUCKING BREAD!!!!!!

6:32pm - My shits are more explosive and are now accompanied with a burning sensation around my asshole when it explodes. I regret eating the hot and spicey dish from Wok-In last night.

6:43pm - HOLY FUCKING HELL IT BURNS!!! I swear to God I'm shitting stomach acid or something.

8:57pm - I really want some food. I'm shitting so frequently that there's no point in logging each one here. I've been trying to hold in my shits so that I may take fewer, bigger dumps and hence reduce ass burnage.

10:00pm - I've inserted the sopository into my ass. It went in suprisingly smooth compared to what I was expecting. I now must hold in whatever shit I need to take for 10-15 minutes "even if the urge is strong". For those that don't know, a sopository is something that you shove up your ass and it dissolves in your rectum in order to acheive some goal. In this case ...... making me blow out the last of the shit in my rectum.

10:05pm - I'm starting to feel a fizzing feeling in my rectum. It is not pleasant.

10:17pm - The soppository didn't make me want to shit as bad as I thought it would. Still, that was the grossest shit that I've taken so far. I'm not even going to give the details.

11:30pm - Go to bed after one more shit to make sure everything is out.

A few times throughout the night - Wake up and go take a shit.

Monday

9:00am - Wake up next to my sweetie.

9:40am - Get up and go to have a shower.

9:43am - Realize that lack of food has caused me to be weaker than normal and that I need food. Unfortunately after midnight I'm not allowed to have anything ...... even water.

9:59am - My body is going to collapse. I need food badly.

10:03am - Leave to go get my ass raided.

10:17am - It's really damn hard to concentrate. My body is weak from lack of nourishment. I start thinking that I should be using the handicap buttons on the doors.

10:20am - I try to pull open the push door to Imaging Services despite the sign on the door that says "push". Those handicap buttons are looking like a better idea.

10:47am - Lucy is the best girlfriend ever. and she is now hungry too.

10:48am - I cross out the lame shit that Lucywrote on my paper because nobody cares what she has to say.

10:49am - They call me for my ultrasound.

11:03am - Lucy is going for lunch because her boyfriend doesn't appreciate her!! Probably a big juicy burger from JJs.

11:09am - Again I have to cross out the lame shit she wrote. She is no longer allowed to hold the paper. I am done my ultrasound which was nothing too spectacular. Basically the same as how you see pregnant ladies getting them in movies, except add a little driving the damn thing into my ribs for discomfort.

11:11am - They call me for the dreaded enema. I go around back and get changed in the change room. They tell Lucy that she's not allowed to take pictures and that she has to wait in the waiting room. I am disapointed about this.

11:14am - I am sitting in the enema room. The nurse shows me the enema. It looks like a penis. I'm not even joking. It's skin colour and has a head at the tip. It's got 3 tubes going into the back of the shaft. The nurse shows me how the balloon at the end is going to inflate. I am suddenly convinced that there is no God and if there is he is out to get me. The doctor comes in and shoves the enema up my ass. I instantly feel like I'm going to shit my pants ...... if I had pants on of course. He takes his time rolling me over in different positions with the enema sticking out of my ass, periodically inflating and deflating it. He takes a bunch of pictures which takes about 10 minutes. Then the nurse has her turn to take pictures using a different device. The enema is still sticking out of my ass. I don't have to shit as much as I did when the doctor was doing it. Perhaps this is because she is refraining from inflating and deflating the balloon.

11:35am - The girl finishes with the x-rays and pulls the enema out of my ass. I have to shit. She makes me sit up and fucking wait to see if I'm dizzy or something. I quickly say no and walk briskly to the washroom where my ass explodes. White barium is shooting out of my cornhole in massive quantities. It is not quiet, nor is it a stream of liquid. It is literally spraying white shit with muffled fart noises to accompany it.

11:44am - I am done my long shit. It was a triple flusher. I used probably half a roll of toilet paper wiping.

11:55am - I tempt fate by farting without being over a toilet. Eating my sub is far more important than not soiling myself with white spraying farts.

12:00 noon - I can't hold it in any longer. I quickly grab the key to the mens washroom at Subway and bolt. I don't even bother putting the three pieces of toilet paper around the seat for ass protection. My ass explodes again. I shatter my record for longest continuous fart. It was about 15-25 seconds long. I was laughing too hard to bother counting the seconds for sure. The ladies washroom is right next to the mens. I laugh because the girl going in will be able to hear my anus spewing barium.

12:06pm - I have finished my sub and we leave Subway. Their toilet will never be the same.

6:41pm - I can't eat nearly as much as I used to. My stomach has shrank or something. I couldn't even finish a single plate of spaghetti. I've also come to realize that the term "taking a crap" has become a very loose term over the last few days. It has come to represent everything from a normal shit to pissing out of my ass to white liquid exploding out of my anus. Avoid barium enemas at all costs.

12:05am - I just took my first solid shit since yesterday. By 'solid' I mean 'like a rock' ...... literally. I am apparently constipated now and am shitting either white barium covered shits, or am shitting pure solidified barium. Either way, they sank pretty fast and I've never heard a 'plop' sound quite like that before now.

Tuesday 12:43pm - The worst of it seems to be over. The food I ate yesterday and today is returning strength to my body and my shitting frequency has dropped to a normal rate. I kind of feel like a 'Stage Completed' screen should be flashing in front of me ...... or like the storyline should be advancing in some way ...... the storyline of LIFE!!!

The next Tuesday 4:43pm - I just called and got my results back. The tests showed up nothing. Although an aside comment was that they couldn't see one of my kidneys. So I was probably only born with 1 kidney. This basically affects nothing other than I need to be wary of getting punched in the kidneys.

Petrol

2008-06-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

If you have sauntered into a mamak stall lately, or perhaps waited for a bus at a bus stop, or been to practically any place where people are allowed to leisurely congregate, it would be nothing new to you that the price of petrol and diesel abruptly skyrocketed 41% and 68% respectively in a single day. With the potentially crippling implications of this increment, it is not shocking one bit that it has become the talk of the town. Those who were once ignorant and oblivious to their surroundings suddenly become increasingly aware of the events transpiring around them now. Shopping moms now check their wallets twice before deciding to buy them fattening tidbits for their kids. Anxious, fresh P license drivers don't get to take their parents' car out for a spin on the pretext of just driving around. Parents cut their teenage child's allowance by a quarter and discourage them from spending unnecessarily.

Explanation to the slow chumps: With the hike in price of diesel, prices of all goods are inevitably jacked up. Everytime goods are shipped; be it raw materials, work-in-progress, or finished goods, transport cost is added to the total cost, and if price of oil increases, so do the transport cost and of course, the total cost. And it is clear the profit margins of the suppliers,wholesalers, or any party which is involved with the movement of goods from the factory to the consumers will shrink, and it's only wishful thinking if we hope that these parties will absorb the full incidence of the increase. Long story short, it causes a ripple effect or a chain reaction or whatever you wanna call it.

Lets evaluate several points. First off, Malaysia is a net exporter of oil; meaning it exports more oil than it imports. If the supply of oil in this country is falling, the government can just export less oil to equilibrate the forces of domestic supply and demand at a lower price. One plausible reason for the price hike is that the ruling party members are just pocketing more of the government funds once used to subsidised domestic petrol and diesel.

Here's what I think, our dear sleepy PM was caught in a dilemma. Not long ago, rumors begin floating around that at least 30 MPs from the ruling party are gonna defect to the opposition party, which will lead to the ousting of the present government and the forming of a new one. Even before the General Elections, it was apparent that many MPs, especially from the east, were disgruntled over the rather salient fact that their states, Sabah and Sarawak in particular, are being neglected by the federal government. It is evident by the lack of development there despite the population there being majority bumiputras.

These two states have already been over 40 years removed from their assimilation into Malaysia and yet progress and advancements are near minimal.For an instance, Sabah is an oil producing state. As oil has a near zero elasticity, it should be common sense that Sabah should be generating lots of revenue and yet, after all these years, it's still in such a pitiful state with its citizens earning extremely meagre incomes. Regardless of how heartless the states' MPs may be, it would probably disconcert them to know that the states they lead are being left behind by the peninsular states and probably after long deliberation, these MPs see a more auspicious future with the opposition.

Our dear PM obviously knows that and the logical solution is to promise more development of these 'inferior' states and more 'under-the-table' money for the MPs to at least offset the defection of these MPs until he finds a more permanent solution. So as I was saying, the PM reduces the subsidies and willingly comes under fire from the public to ensure he will remain in power for the time being. And it's no mystery that many other MPs are already benefiting from swindling of government funds and to take care of these MPs interests along with the Sabah and Sarawak MPs, the government will need a bigger budget for these guys so cutting back on the petrol and diesel subsidies is the only action that has quite a substantial reason which is of course, rising global oil prices.

In spite of the furore already arising from the people, the petrol and diesel prices are steal set to increase another Ringgit or so, which will most certainly kill of the lower class income earners. People will become more desperate for money, food, anything and this will inevitably cause a spike in crime rates, which is one social issue that the government promised to mitigate not long ago. The police force is hopeless so this will mean the innocent citizens are the ones who are gonna suffer the brunt of this increase.

And it's clear that the effects of the hike in oil prices will plunge the whole country into dire straits and by the looks of it, things are just gonna get worse. All we can hope for now is that either the opposition coalition, Pakatan Rakyat overthrows the present oh-so-caring government soon or alternate fuel sources and methods to utilised them cheaply are discovered which is in my estimate, is not any time soon. So my advise before a log off, is too spend as much as you want now, drive to the places you want to, even if it's just behind your house, buy as many glasses of expresso as you want at the nearest Starbucks outlets while you still can because by the looks of things, prices are set to escalate even more, maybe to the point we can't afford it anymore.

Peace.

Motivational Posters

2008-06-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

Did you have a bad, trying day? Did your car die on you while driving to work? Did your girlfriend dump you and went away... with another girl? If any of the aforementioned did happen to you, fret not! I just happen to have the remedy to your frustrations and it's proven transcendingly effective notwithstanding your name, age, gender, height, weight, and so on.

Sun Zoo - Victims

2008-06-02T14:50:00.000-07:00

Something for those who are bored as shit, looking for some time to kill, or those who are into introspective vibes and those sorta thing. Even if you aren't, check it out anyway. Might give a couple of you a fresh new outlook on troubling issues in life.

Lyrics:
CHORUS (sampled from Black Box Recorder)
Well, you can...
Bite the bullet
Breathe in, breathe out
Or be a victim all your life

She holds the black plastic remote in her hand
She's watching MTV, she didn't go to the dance
It's Friday night, going as planned
Her dad wanted her to go, but he's old and he don't understand
That she's ugly, she can't join the popular clique
Can't afford the right clothes, and plus the top wouldn't fit
So she stays home, watches her shows cause she knows
She could never be them onscreen modelling clothes
She wants to be an artist
But she's having trouble getting started
It's hard to paint a pretty picture if you're brokenhearted
She only wants to be ignored, not be a target
But she's just an ego-builder for them high-school starlets
She's beautiful and she don't even know it
And if she ever finds out she'll be afraid to show it
Cause everything she sees says she doesn't belong
She's been taught that from birth, but yo, what if it's wrong?

CHORUS

She holds a tiny purse with a tinier dog
It's only Wednesday, but its her tenth time at the mall
She's gotta keep up, not with the Joneses, but with the Hiltons
The Britney Spearses and the Jessica Simpsons
And all them other female role models
She's got the clothes, lord knows, got the figure of a showstopper
She stays so proper, shine like Goldschlager,
At the right party every night with the right product
Never sleeps alone but she's never with a man
Who would ever let her slow down, and she don't understand
Why the clothes and the cars, the looks and the guys
Never adds up to happy in the back of her eyes
It's no surprise that she's secretly confused
Cause she's always done everything we're telling her to do
She did it with the best and she put up with the stress
But if you've got everything what more is there to get?

HOOK

I hold nothing but a mic in my hand
All I'm trying to do is observe so I understand
How our system could fail both those girls
Although no words could ever fully capture those concerned
I hope to learn, but still gotta speak what I see
And it's obvious, even to me, what we're seeming to be
Is just slaves to the preachers that be, mother culture everywhere
From the streets to TV
Got us so focused on the external
That we can't even take ourselves out the cycle, it's eternal
But it only exists as long as you believe it
And it's goal don't make sense cause no one can acheive it
So let's break free
Both of those girls are better than what our culture defines them to be
But culture is just us
So if you think you're worth more than your looks and your possessions,
Step up

KRS-One - Money(Feat. MC Lyte)

2008-05-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

Just a little introduction to the hip hop I usually chill to.

KRS-One, also known as The Teacha is a pioneer of hip hop and is considered by many hip hop artistes as the perfect embodiment of what an MC is supposed to be. His uplifting and conscious lyrics which address issues that plague the community today constantly remind us of what hip hop is truly about; how it came about. But sadly, nowadays hip hop like this do not get regular airplay, if at all, on radio stations. But that, my readers, is a story for another day. For now, this will do. The message is clear and easy to relate to, but whether we incorporate it into our daily lives, who knows?

Money - M-o-n-e-y
(Money!)
Money - M-o-n-e-y
(Money!)

[KRS-One]
M-o-n-e-y, what you need to just get by
Money, honey, ain't it funny?
Money, people wanna die
It seems without money, people cry, people will lie
You cannot deny, without money you can't apply
For anything that catches your eye, I wonder why
The root of all evil, let me teach you, now who am I?
The MC, teachin' my people "Don't live that lie"
You got to get money, but don't let money get you, guy

I can break it down like whatever you want
Whatever you spend your money on strong, yo that's what you flaunt
Spend your money on these honeys, yo if that's what you want
Spend your money on attorneys if you're goin' to court
If I look around your neck I can see what you bought
What, you think you get respect? No, you takin' a short
Yo, you need the money, of course, you need it to live
(Yo, what you put your money on, Kris?) Yo, right on my kids

[MC LYte]
M-o-n-e-y, don't ask why. It IS the root of all evil
Though very necessary to your livelihood
It's all good when you got enough
Til enough ain't enough and you hit upon rough times
You make your money and I'll make mine
(Yo, we need the...) (Money!)

[KRS-One]
Don't get me wrong, mistakin' this song
Like money is not important - yes, it is, just be strong
It's the reason for the thievin' and that war goin'on
It's the reason that you seein' all these girls in their thong
It's the reason that the radio's on
It's the reason that you believe if you gotta work from sun-up 'til dawn
It's the cravings that connect you to that money you makin'
Your desire is the fire got you feelin' you slavin'

(Free yourself!) Money doesn't make you the man
(Be yourself!) A man gets his money in grand

Ok, I'ma get this money, really, all day
But not to the point where Im goin' the wrong way
I'ma put my money down on rides and all that
Hook up the house so me and my spouse can fall back
Investing my knowledge way beyond college
Write books and fly hooks in my cottage

Cheese - Kris bling-blingin'? Yo, please!
Money is an energy that gets what I need
I can understand them cats that rap flossin' and frontin'
It's all good, they from the hood, never had nothin'
They just got they money and everything's sunny
Hear what I'm saying, they preyin', boy, and lookin for bunnies

[MC Lyte]
Did we floss what we bought
Forgetting that sharing is what we've been taught?
'Cause this here gettin' money is an individual sport
Money can get me in to the same place where years ago
My bros and sisters with black skin
Were confined to the back door and the kitchen

[KRS-One]
Last verse, where your cash purse
Reach into your wallet, nothin' alloted, that hurts
Breath stinkin' you're thinkin', but can't afford Certs
Need the dollar and baby hollerin' - no work
I don't know how you gonna get the dough
You could become educated, you could become a ho
You could do both, that's like puttin' butter on toast
The bread is the knowledge, butter is what gets you that close

[MC Lyte]
Money is funny - how a piece of paper can make or break your very existence
Quick as it come, quick as it go - you better know about the ebb and the flow
You get money in droves, trick it on cars and blow
Throw dollars at black queens 'cause, for the dough they'll strip their clothes
And for the right amount of money
A king will pimp his queen into being a ho on a stroll
Life will always be hard when you choose to make money your god

Random Thoughts

2008-05-24T05:36:00.000-07:00

Just thought I should unload some random thoughts that have been irking me for more than a minute now.

I hate arguing with fools and yet I'm so disposed to engage them in an argument in hopes of enlightening them on certain issues. Well, I guess people like these just aren't capable of partaking in intellectual discussions.

In spite of the fact that I do feel lonely at times, I refuse to go in search of love and companionship. In other words, I am in a dilemma. So lets try to evaluate the pros and cons of getting a girlfriend.

Pros:

Companionship.
Sex.
Erm... nada.
Still nada.
... I give up.

Cons:

Gaping holes in my wallet
Heartbreak.
Lovers' spats.
Twenty-two-hour days(pointless phone chat).
Loss of ability to rationalize.
Countless over-the-top chick flicks.
Loss of contact with friends.
The need to bathe more often(haha).
The need to dress smart.(I hate dressing up. If I could, I would fuckin go to college in my underpants)
Being flaunted to all her girl friends like a piece of jewelry or a new boob job.

As you see, the cons heavily outweigh the pros so my decision not to pursue love is a very logical one. Haha.

Moving on.

I'm constantly worrying about my future and what it will be like if I fail further my education in some western country(preferably Canada). I don't wanna resign myself to the mundane life of a working adult before having the chance to live life to the fullest.

I hate how the people I consider close to me mock and ridicule me for being different as opposed to those not so close to me yet support and accept me for who I am. Maybe I have my priorities all wrong.

Before I sign off, I wanna drop a quote that I find somewhat inspiring.
'And they will call me wise, even though I am not.' - Socrates

Peace.

Paper Heart

2008-05-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

Something from last year. Not directed to anyone in particular. Just decided to try my hand at something emo.

Verse 1:
Amidst the melancholic melody, you can hear a tortured soul
A paper heart, crumpled up, torn and thrown
scribbled with messages of love, reasons to celebrate
and the three special words that would never fade
'I love you’ signified your sweet and vibrant self
And it will never cease despite heaven or hell
The abbreviation of all the emotions too hard to tell
To the depth of the skies and seas it would dwell
And resonate with the lyrics of every serenade
I’ve played for you at our secret spot by the lake
About no matter what, our love won’t ever change
And never separate even after the end of days
And when comes our time to leave for a better place
We’ll go with fingers intertwined, hands engaged
Once we approach the stations where divine sentries wait
We’ll go up and proclaim our love to them as we walkthrough heavens gates

Verse 2:
It’s 3 in the morning and I still ain’t sleeping yet
Reminiscing of all the dreams I had now ripped to shreds
Supposely endless words, crushed just like that
Along with the hopes that made me believe in us to death
Through the faintest of breath and the pain of regret
Trynna reassemble whatever pieces of my sanity’s left
But will it ever make sense and return to my passionate ways
Or will I stay lost forever, never to find my direction again
And I will traverse the earth just to search for the words
Use them to wipe my eyes dry which are flooding with tears
From trying to forget the serene pictures of your beautiful face
And fitting pieces of our bodies whenever we embrace
The drawing of you and me leaning on the hood of my car
While I marvel at your sparkling eyes when you look at the stars
Promises and dreams of my future, gone, all torn apart
Never again I will let anyone steal my paper heart

Something short and simple...

2008-05-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

Hit centre page, nothing much, just call me Mr average
so chill I devour previous beef with a beverage
Never exaggerates, a clever sage looking for better ways
Hit my prime like Optimus, like Peter Pan I never age
Suspended animation, press pause watching animes
Ruler I'm checkin' straight, sparking intense debates
Fancy babes, like calenders I've that many dates
Only similarity shared is they always end in beds
Ain't no F-in way, the other 25 letters I am letting way
So quit all that procrastinating and fuckin' check my page

Raja Petra Kamarudin

2008-05-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

No way I would go as far as claiming to be politically aware but I do try my best to keep abreast with the current events particularly the imminent overhaul of the government and the shifting political landscape. Well, we could partly attribute it to the emergence of dissident bloggers who are becoming increasingly vocal about how the government is run but the main reason such an uprise has occured is due to our fumbling and often sleeping PM's methods of dealing with misdeeds and injustices. But that of course, is a story for another day.

Raja Petra Kamarudin(RPK), hero to some, has been unjustly charged under the Sedition Act for alleging Najis' involvement was crucial in the murdering of Atlantuya Sharibuu. The contents of his posts 'Let’s send the Altantuya murderers to hell' was used as grounds to charge him claiming that what he is implying was utterly contemptuous and untrue. And according to RPK, there is evidence of Najis' implication in the still yet unsolved murder case.

Despite the fact that RPK's prosecution is for the crime of sedition, it doesn't take someone extraordinarily intelligent to read between the lines in order to figure out who is the culprit behind RPK's incarceration. It's clear Najis is starting to feel the heat as he is slowly but inevitably being pushed to the brink of being exposed by the somewhat expected yet unaverted circumstances. However, in this game of chess, he has erronously moved the wrong pieces into the wrong spots at the wrong time. Litigating RPK at civil court for slander was clearly off the table because he would definitely have a hard time arguing his case against RPK and he probably couldn't take such 'seditious' accusations sitting down. So he had to apprehend RPK under the Seditious Act. But his attempt to quell all suspicion of his involvement fell flat. Now, more and more people have seen through his facade and at the same time bred more insecurities and uncertainties amongst the UMNO MPs. This in turn would probably lead to more MPs jumping ship and onto the increasingly crowded Pakatan Rakyat boat, which is exactly what Anwar wants.

By the way, I am just talking outta my ass. Don't take it word for word.

Miscellaneous works...

2008-05-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

Just felt like sharing several of my older pieces of work. Each separate work is indicated by the lines left empty.

the prize of death, i guess that means theres no tomorrow/
no hopes or sorrow, total emptiness, my soul is hollow/
am I going solo? equip my one man army with armors and swords/
pit against the darkness of lords which intends to harm us with force/
donned in harness of course, from scriptures of war I peel the page/
use it to wield the blade which is filled with rage and words to kill engraved/
must I embrace this will to hate? I'm too young and am still afraid/
so how am I to thrive on this field I'm placed where piercing steels engage/
but is this the thrill I crave, the desire concealed by this deathly veil of red/
or the wholesome meal I ate, damn... I still feel the taste/
maybe its the ammunition to reload the barrel of eternal malediction/
belonging to the hadean mailman whenever it delivers to hell its victims/

spit faster bullets than a gattling gun, after-effects felt years after/
Russian roulette and I'm having fun, blastin the sets stereo pierce bastards/
the awesome flow that I spit is a game of death that I play the best/
express all the caged-repressed rage and stress on every page I pen/
Imma take a stand, trade in all my dollars and attempt to be making sense/
lift the weighing guilt off my shoulders, exert full force till I break my hands/
and each face I met suddenly becomes just a blurry figure, distant memories/
is this only just temporary or am I on an untimely journey to see demon entities/

feminine or virile, display multiple personalities/
determines which way im gonna burn my enemies/
with flamethrowers of propane, the invisible flame/
either way cannot douse the fire of my invincible game/
could be chill as ice but still couldnt feel as nice/
as the high I get when i levitate and literally feel the sky/
or downing a glass which is overfilled with wine/
its just the way i was fucking built to rhyme/

engulf land and sea, fire blazing and devouring each man I see/
disintegrating hands and feet with bites from my scorching fangs and teeth/
not even immortals have a chance to live, let death be the inevitable option/
subtract life from the equation and blow to smitherins of epic proportions/
and angels and demons alike, the halos and horns, they hold no meaning/
blasphemy in my own blood streaming so deranged i got the whole world spinning/

take my word, I've been blazing jerks the past eighteen years/
dreadfully tasted fear, meaningless beefs and tons of wasted tears/
I've dropped like a million asses, leave you fuckin' minions breathless/
peel petals when my skill level continue to rise like helium gases/
insanity cuz' my ability is unattainable but ya'll can hope to try/
placing a cat in a dog pound is stupid like you faggots trynna hold the mic/

One of my works...

2008-05-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a couple of years now since I started penning rhymes down seriously. I've filled empty pages with words only to crumple them into mini balls out of frustration and use them as my shot practice. Yet, there were times a finished page would shine brightly despite the lead-color words. There was something different about these resplendent works that put me at ease but at the same time double as a rather terrifying syringe that injected me with the zeal and exuberance to write somemore. Anyway, enough of the sentimental gibberish. I just wanted to post what I considered my finest work to date and maybe get some feed on it. It's entitled Walk on Water.

Walk on Water

Verse 1:
As I mediate between the stars and moon where darkness looms
I rouse and discover the self that I hardly knew
Shady clouds amble with uncertainty across the sky
and my thoughts continue to escape me like I've lost my mind
I've crossed the line the point of no return
crave the wine from the cup that a novice yearns
objectives of our lives become sparkle glitter and gold
to have our bank accounts achieve massive figures untold
as the vivid picture unfolds, the essence is explained
the tension in the game stems from contention for the fame
aspire to reach higher, stoke the fire of my desire
before the ire becomes too dire and difficult to decypher
hone my skills in seclusion elevate my swordsmanship
to take down the four horsemen and avert the apocalypse
and if this prolonged famine is fed with endless wars
death can never be conquered unless we walk through heavens doors

Chorus:
if I must sell my soul to the devil just to prosper
I guess I hafta reject whatever the world's got to offer
delve into the sea of pain and get lost in torture
but is it considered blasphemy if I walk on water

Verse 2:
As each moment flies, drenched in tears of golden skies
cold as ice, untouched virtues getting sodomised
my dormant soul ignites, no way true hope's suffice
when mortal obsessions becomes the only goal in life
time to oust to subvert to save those bound to suffer
when their cries get drowned in the deafening sounds of laughter
and if the ground is ruptured and all I see is crimson red
signify the departure of the valour as they drift away
to the world I say farewell, as it begins to pace itself
on paths lined with tainted blades as we make our way to hell
as our bodies turn to ash embedded in flaming hearses stacked
and carried off by hellish gales on the way to eternal death
and the stench of rotten flesh stifles the poignant zest
till all air of salvation is gone and theres no buoyance left
so i make a solemn pledge to never cease to keep the faith
before all hope bleeds away, I kneel down on my knees and pray

Chorus:
if I must sell my soul to the devil just to prosper
I guess I hafta reject whatever the world's got to offer
delve into the sea of pain and get lost in torture
but is it considered blasphemy if I walk on water

Verse 3:
a slave of passion and dreams, shoulders sprout heavenly wings
foreshadows the awakening of the resplendant talent within
a skin hardened by scars, beneath exists a spartanized heart
ardent and starves to find a place amidst the garden of stars
equipped myself with the aegis shield use it as the best defense
and brave through swarms of dementors to escape from azkaban
reminiscent to david but being pit against ten goliaths
as the maker of my destiny, I mould it with these hands of midas
and as I wield the excalibur sword, I feel an incredible force
engulfs me in its aura only to reveal an impeccable form
invade hades with my blade and behead the beast cerberus
and take my place at the Round Table on the siege perilous
possess the holy grail in my grasp, in it I pore my potion
that supplies me the prowess to ride sleipnir, the horse of odin
the game is a kingdom and i swore to defend the castle and throne
so I break free from this shakles that hold and off to battle I go

Chorus:
if I must sell my soul to the devil just to prosper
I guess I hafta reject whatever the world's got to offer
delve into the sea of pain and get lost in torture
but is it considered blasphemy if I walk on water

The return...

2008-02-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

ermmm... where do I even start?? FYI I have put an end to my former blog(not like anyone reads it anyway) although I can't really ascertain why. Maybe because blogdrive's a bitch or maybe I just wanted a fresh new start at this blogging stuff.. Who knows... I even puzzle myself at times...